So yesterday, I was having lunch alone in the break room, apparently half the office woke up and collectively said, “Yeah… not today.” I was quietly eating my sandwich, scrolling through my phone, thinking about my to-dos… to weekend plans… to Christmas and then it came up in my mind… Secret Santa!
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1. Brandon vs. The Cold Lunch Era: The first person who came to my mind was Brandon, this man cannot, physically, emotionally, spiritually handle cold food. If I get his name, I swear I’d get him that portable electric lunch-warmer. Because at this point, listening to him dramatically whisper “Why is my food freezing again?” is honestly part of my job description.
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2. The Silent Lauren Saga: My thoughts quickly drifted to Lauren, our office’s human smile emoji. In every meeting, she just nods and smiles like she’s on a silent film set. I’m still not convinced she has a volume button.
So if I pulled her name, I’d get her that “Things I Can’t Say Out Loud in Meetings” notebook. Not because she’d ever actually say anything, but because I’m praying it would make her laugh. Like a real, audible laugh. Even a bit more than her usual tiny “heh” would be huge.
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3. Jake and His Never-Ending Neck Pain: Have you ever seen someone who is 94 and 30 years old at the same time? That’s Jake. His neck has been on strike since July. Every day he walks in like, “Ughhhh I slept weird,” sir, you’ve been sleeping weird for 5 straight months. If I somehow picked him, that deep-tissue massage gun would’ve been his destiny.
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4. Melissa, Irritated by Life Itself: We have this one girl who is always irritated, irritated by printer noise, slow Wi-Fi, loud chewing, oxygen, everything. So if her name landed in my chit, I knew exactly what she’d get: that lavender “My Last Nerve” candle.
And yes, I know the name sounds like it would push her over the edge, but honestly? I was hoping it would do the opposite. If anything in this universe could finally calm her down, it had to be this candle.
At the very least, it might give her one extra nerve… because she lost the rest a long time ago.
And do you know who was the last person in my mind while chewing my sad sandwich?
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5. Yes, it was me: I started wondering what kind of gift I’d end up with this year, if there’s one thing everyone knows about me, it’s that I LOVE COFFEE! The other day, my coffee turned cold while I was taking the minutes of the meeting. By the time I took a sip, the coffee had the same temperature as my will to attend more meetings. So if someone pulled my name this year, I genuinely hoped they’d get me that mug-warmer set. Because clearly, I can’t survive another meeting where my coffee taps out before I do.
Anyway, if your brain also goes on weird lunchtime detours, tell me your Secret Santa thoughts in the comments. And if you send this to your coworkers as a hint… even if they don’t give you any hint when they are planning a mass bunk!
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I can understand why!🤣